Letters – Expressions of Confusion, Despair and Self Loathing From 2000
These are my letters to Gordon and my personal writing about what it was like for me living with a lesser victim narcissist for twenty five years.
I met the narcissist when I was 16 years old when I had no clue who I was.
I had no clue why I felt so bad with him. But feeling bad felt comfortable.
It was what I deserved TO FEEL BAD! And boy did living with a Narcissist make me feel bad.
In time I learned to totally deny my needs and he was in my life as an annoying and negative presence to be overcome. I learned to get by and serve my own needs if they became too overwhelming.
I didn’t really know what love was, until I had my children, so the absence of it did not leave me with any sense of loss.
Having been brought up by a violent narcissist father and a co-dependant borderline mother I learned how to be invisible, hide and to please everyone by becoming a pathological caretaker.
I was and still am as far as I know, the scapegoat to the nest of narcissists that make up my family members.
This obviously meant I was the perfect fit for a narcissist.
Some of the letters were sent or given to the narcissist.
Some were written just for me as an expression of my feelings at the time.