The narcissist by his own omission did not want children. During one conversation he told me that I should thank him for being a sperm donor.
The way he was with the children clearly showed that he did not want children and has no clue what being a parent means.
The narcissist really drove me mad with his attitude that he was looking after the children FOR me and that he did them favours.
In fact he told the children to their faces that he did them lots of favours.
I remember when the narcissist told me that his ‘friends’ told him that he spent too much time with the kids and that he should spend more time on himself!
The narcissist acted like a baby sitter to his own children rather than a parent
He literally did nothing with the children of his own volition. I organised and planned everything. He came along like the fourth child.
Although he had an art degree he did not ever draw of paint with the children. He did not buy one single book for them or play any part in their education and interests.
When I asked him why this was so, he blamed the children saying that it was their fault because they were unresponsive which is clearly a lie, an excuse and blame shifting. In reality he wasn’t interested in them at all.
I wrote this to the narcissist about how I felt about that.
” August 23″ 2005
Looking After the Children FOR Me
I think after today I have finally entered your psyche. I see that your perception of your parent role is to look after the kids FOR ME as you truly believe it is my job. As you said I gave up work to look after them and educate them. It is my belief that, as you didn’t want children in the first place, you see yourself as having done me a favour in being the sperm donor. As you pointed out I never thanked you for this. I thank you now for being the sperm donor for me. And I see now that this is the way you have acted in relation to being a parent.
It explains why your never took an interest or involved yourself mentally or physically in my pregnancies .You left things up to me because as you saw it it I, wanted the children so I could get on with it. That is why you never even talked to me about being pregnant and becoming parents, let alone supported me through difficult times, thanked me, praised me, encouraged me, shared any of your thoughts and feelings with me, nor have you ever, to this day, showed any appreciation in any .form for me being the mother of your three children. I felt/feel entirely alone. ‘
I know you love them now but this can never change the fact that I still felt neglected and abandoned and in shock with some of this things you did. I feel angry towards you as I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. My dream of how wonderful and romantic it would be to have a baby went away and I began to fa\ I out of love. There were no positives in our relationship to balance the· bad things so my feeling for you began draining away.
To this day, you perceive your role in parenting the children as that of a helper. When you are with them, alone you think you are looking after them FOR ME. You may have helped around the house, cooked the odd meal, put in the odd laundry load, talked to the kids and take them to sports activities/ events which you see as being a great father as yours never took you to any sporting events. It seems to be all you ask of yourself and the only benchmark you have by which to judge a good father.
(Please remember it is a recent addition to your fathering repertoire happening during the last three years I would say. It was ME who nagged you to find out about Lacho’s football when they first started. ME who found and drove them to Timperly, Brazilian Football, Football Camps and Janices Badminton.)
Your friends have commented that you seem to spend too much time on your children and that you should perhaps devote more time to yourself. I agree. In the last three years, since you gave up your job to provide for us and earn money, I agree you have helped more than is normal for a father whose wife gave up work to look after the children she after all persuaded him to have. And to home educate them.
However, remember when we had no children I worked while you were a student for five years and, until you left Mid Cheshire College, you did little with regard to childcare/education whilst I had sole responsibility, never leaving the house except for shopping and children’s activities, nor had any friends or a life of my own for ten years. Anything we ever did was instigated, by me. You put no effort into maintaining a relationship with me and had little involvement in educating/ parenting th children. So you had all the time in the world to devote to yourself.
Therefore I have come up with a plan as follows. which means I will ask you-to look after the children for me as little as 1 need. This will leave you your much needed time to devote to yourself. For the times I need you to babysit I am truly grateful and I thank you.
Monday no need. Tuesday no need. Wednesday no need. Thursday no need Friday no need (except for the times 1 might go out.) Saturday no need. Sunday no need.
Unfortunately I have been too capable and just got on with things so that I have never needed you. I don’t need you now. Not for anything. I think you are a selfish, self centred person who is not capable of even realising that other people have emotional needs let alone acknowledging .them and fulfilling them. Not once during our entire relationship have you ever thought for more than one minute, what it must be like to be in my shoes. You just expect me to do things based on your selfish preconceived attitudes. You have taken me and our relationship utterly for granted. Now it is too late.
The bottom line is this. Please try to grasp it.
Please decide when YOU WANT TO BE with your children. You are not looking after them for ME. You are NOT doing me a favour by looking after them. I have and will continue to look after them 24/7,
If you want to see them this will need to be regular and reliable times as I have a lot of things to organise. (I know you will never understand why I can’t be flexible. But then you have never been responsible for bringing up and educating three kids, running a home and a business and a social life.) I do not want you to come into the house uninvited anymore. So you will need to plan activities to undertake. Also, I would like the key to the house please.”
I began writing a journal in 2003. I wanted to record my feelings and also the events leading up to the inevitable breakdown of my 27-year marriage to Gordon. I wanted my children to understand how hard I tried to fix the relationship and why, in the end, I could no...
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