This is a letter written to the narcissist after hosting Christmas for him and his family during Christmas 2007. The abuse from him was worse than ever. I was ignored and invalidated. He really seemed to enjoy it!
The interesting things was that his relative from Australia were visiting and Chris currently a G.P. was studying to be a psychiatrist and yet he had no idea that the behaviour was that of a narcissist!
This is what I wrote.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse and Passive Aggressive Behaviour During Christmas 2007
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TO TURN YOU INTO THIS UNFEELING PERSON?
During Christmas 2007 I attempted to make as normal a time as possible for the children. I invited Chris and Maria who were visiting from Australia, and the rest of your family for Christmas Lunch (sleeping over and breakfast) I Invited you for Christmas Eve Dinner.
I did not do it for ME. I was doing it for the children. I budgeted, planned, shopped, prepared, cleaned and cooked single handed whilst caring for three children carrying out all the normal chores, (On top of the usual extra Christmas preparations.) You contributed nothing, seemingly unconcerned about the amount of work and extra expense involved.
You told me, ‘Well YOU invited them.’ You miss the point as you always do.
Emotional abuse is being detached and uninvolved only interacting when necessary. This is the way you treat me and have all our married life.
I had a horrible time because of the verbal and emotional abuse I received from you. I know that you don’t know how to talk to me in a normal way. I am your adversary. You treat me always with an attitude of contempt and hate. You have never cared about me or my feelings. You can’t. I have tried for years and now given up: You are STUCK in denial, and were willing to lose your marriage, you business and life with your children. I have a suggestion which might help you. Ask others how they would feel if you said and did the things you have done to me in this letter….(Forget the horrible things you have said and done in the past!) I wanted to write the following for the record not because care about you caring anymore.
During the build up to Christmas you said nothing about the children’s presents or about them and Christmas in general under the circumstances Le. Divorce. You offered no financial support or showed any interest in what presents they were to receive nor interest in anything else to do with Christmas, preparations for example Christmas Lunch although YOUR family were involved: You expected and assumed as you always do. This is WITHHOLDING and is a form of verbal abuse. This is how you treated me and have always treated me. Then you had the nerve to oak me to say that the presents were from BOTH of us! And to say that because you had given me a plan on Dec 22nd with ‘come round at 7.00 am on Christmas Day’ written on, it that this showed you were interested.
2. Chaos and Ambiguity
You created chaos and ambiguity by telling me that June might not want to come to the Xmas Meal because of her feeling uncomfortable under the circumstances. i.e. we are divorcing. This left me not knowing five days before if any guests were coming. You said you would ring her and let me know later that night.
I assumed you had rung her as I feel, any reasonable person would. When I asked if you had you said NO because she is at work. She works one hour a day. She told me when I spoke to her. This was an excuse. Once again you had not done you said you would and I still did not know if she was coming although you had confused me by offering me money! You said then that she probably would come but you had not rung her. Why can’t you do what you agree to? (Passive Aggressive that’s why )
Do you enjoy ambiguity especially when it upsets me.
You were preparing the garage so your relatives could stay over. It was Saturday and so your normal contact time. You were responsible for the children as I was out. When I walked into the living room, you followed me in.
You noticed that the footstool was positioned close to the fire and said,
‘Look at that its too close’ I felt the stool and stated ‘yes it does feel hot.’
You then moved the stool saying sarcastically, Never mind…….. doesn’t matter!’
I asked why you had felt the need to make a sarcastic comment.
You stated at first that it was not a sarcastic comment (denial- your usual first resort. ) I pointed out that is clearly was a sarcastic comment as it did matter that the stool was too near the fire.
You stated that I had frustrated you by not saying what you wanted me to say.
You wanted me tell the children off for leaving the stool near the fire.
Why didn’t YOU tell them? Is this the root of ail your frustration dumped on me?
I don’t do what you want me to do, say what you want me to say, like the food, wine, clothes etc. YOU want me to, You want to control and dominate everything about me. You wrote to me telling me you wanted to change me to be like you until Dominic was born when you realised you couldn’t !
This is the reason for all your abuse!
During Christmas Eve meal I told you that Tesco internet shopping delivery had not delivered the turkey and that when I rang them they told me that I could have a refund but no further deliveries were possible. I said it was annoying that no one could deliver a Turkey the next day and that I would have to spend Xmas Eve looking for a 10kg Turkey.
You showed no empathy and cut me off when I got to “I think it is outrageous that…………. ‘Stating ‘No its not! They gave you a refund…’
I felt stunned. Your statement cut any further wish for me to communicate with you. When I tried to tell you how I felt. You accused me of not allowing you to disagree with me. Implying that I was being unreasonable You were not disagreeing with me you were telling me I was wrong. You insisted that your statement was not abusive adding the words ‘ I don’t think’ and changing the tone of voice in which you said it. The point being that YOU DO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE between how you spoke to me initially (ABUSIVE) and a friendly disagreeing manner. You have spoken to me like this throughout our marriage the worst being when you tell me ‘YOU DON’T THINK THAT.’
On Christmas Day Chris asked what music Alyx liked replied ‘she likes Beyonce.’ You countered me saying, `No- she likes Muse she’s grown up now!’
Also during the conversation I said I would like to go to a singalong the sound of music with them.
Dom sniggered and looked at you. This has happened several times in the past. I have now asked you to stop your supercilious and superior attitude to music.
Dominic is copying you and it is not a useful or healthy social attitude to hold.
5. Undermining, and Criticizing
Early on Christmas Day I explained to you where everyone would sit etc. and told you that when the guests arrived I wanted to offer Champagne and nibbles prior to the meal. You said nothing. Later in the afternoon, you went home to fetch lager. Ten minutes before the guests were due you stated in an urgent voice,
‘Julie….. what are you going to do if they don’t like Champagne?’
I was stunned. You had had all day to raise this issue and I had plenty of alternatives and I know they all like champagne…… what were you getting at? I stated that I was offering Champagne.
You stated…..’OH SO THEY CAN’T HAVE LAGER THEN- IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!’
You were accusing me of being unreasonable again. Why Lager- because YOU had gone to get it deliberately.
You insulted me, undermined my judgement, and were completely insensitive to and ungrateful for the amount of effort and the expense I had gone to, to prepare a meal for 14 people!
With three children to look after, single handed! If you were so bothered about them not liking Champagne you could have said nothing and quietly offered an alternative without insulting me. You saw how much this upset me. I was about to leave until Sheila calmed me down. You said that you could not understand why I was so upset because you wouldn’t have been upset.
You do not accept I have any feelings.
6. Withholding abuse and emotional abuse
Being detached and only reacting and interacting when necessary. When everyone had gone to bed on Christmas Day we cleared up for twenty five minutes. During that time you said not one word to me. You had seen how upset I was and I had forced myself to put on a brave face throughout the meal. You did not apologies for how insensitive you had been. Re; can’t they have larger? You did not express one word of thanks, appreciation, or praise for what I had done and the expense and effort I had gone to. You made no comments whatsoever. This is withholding abuse and emotional abuse ie. Being detached and only reacting and interacting when necessary. I hate you for this. And yes I did leave you an abusive phone message at three in the morning expressing my hatred for you. Keep it to remind you what I think of the way you treat me.
New Years Eve, You tell me, as we are leaving the party that if you were going home you would go along Queens Drive and that if I went that way I could give someone a lift meaning you wouldn’t have to make two journeys. You expected me to oblige. I had driven 7 hours to Milton Keynes and back and Britt was exhausted. You showed no concern for our feelings and made out that it was no big deal for me to help you out as I should go home the same way you. You showed NO respect or appreciation or me. You expect and take for granted. Minimizing is a form of abuse.
8. Blaming and undermining
When John gave Alyx her Christmas present at Junes house (which I was not even going to as far as you knew) you blamed me for not bringing John and Sandra’s present. You turned to me and said, ‘Have YOU got John’s present?’ I was puzzled and said what present? You replied, ‘the one on the shelf, the card and the bottle.’ I asked what bottle? You said, ‘the one wrapped up on the shelf.’ I said did you buy them a bottle and to my amazement you replied. ‘I thought YOU had!’
I later asked you why you had done this and suggested that you knew very well you had not bought a bottle for John and Sandra. I thought you were embarrassed by not having bought a present and tried to put the blame on me. You said you had imagined that there was a bottle on the shelf and that as you had not bought it I must have.
“Mum won’t let us”
At the door of the Masonic Hall you turned to Dominic and said, ‘can’t see you tomorrow Dom. Mum won’t let us.’ You had arranged to go to Delamere Forest the next day behind my back and then accused me of ‘not letting’ you see the children. It was not your contact day and you had given me no notice. You were making me out to be unreasonable, by not letting you and playing us off against each other.
9. Criticism of Alyx’s COOKIES -Unbelievably insensitive
During Christmas preparations Alyx made some cookies decorated with small coloured edible baubles. She had spent time carefully arranging them in patterns. She gave you some. You said, ‘Next time could you leave off those hard round things.
They stuck in my teeth! I thought I might break my teeth on them.’
The decorations were the point of the cookies! When I asked you why you had said such an insensitive thing you said, ‘They got on my nerves and I just wondered if they got on anyone else’s nerves THAT’S ALL!
I wondered if someone said things like that to you when you were 6?
10. Panto- More regard for the feelings of others than your daughters and me.
Dom decided he really did not want to go to the Christmas panto. As we had been getting on well that day I asked you if you would like to go in his place. I thought Alyx would enjoy us being together and you would enjoy sharing the panto with the girls. I was wrong. You said that you didn’t want to go because;– I did not want you to, I hadn’t asked you earlier and your friend had just text to say she was cooking Tuna.
You are and always have been more concerned about others feelings than about ours. I have many examples of where I was put last. You wouldn’t want them to think badly of you.
You even told me Alyx didn’t really want you to go anyway. How do you know?
You didn’t care how she felt and how happy she might have been. In a nut shell you would rather not upset a friend than spend time with and share a panto with your daughters. Simple you made the choice. (reminds me of when you went out for a drink and left me alone and distraught when I was told there might be something wrong with the baby when I was having Dom. More concerned about you and friends feelings than me (and Alyx and Britt in the panto example.) Nothing’s changed!
11. I do them favours all the time ‘sfars I’m concerned.’ Abusive Attitude.
Britt wanted to go the Nottingham for a sleep over at her friends house. You said you would take her but you had serious reservations about it as it was a long way, it was dark and you were tired. (eh?) And you wouldn’t be keen to do it again in the next few weeks.(eh?) You said you would however do her a big favour and take her!
I said shocked ‘ Do you think you do your children favours ?’ You said,’ I do them lots of favours all the time sfars I’m concerned.’ We all heard you say it.
The definition of favour….to do something over and above that which is expected or due. You clearly don’t think that it is your duty as a parent to facilitate your children’s social life/ development. I have written to you before about your ‘doing us favours’ attitude to the children and me.
You think and always have thought that you do me a favour by looking after them for are.
You don’t think or act as it they are your responsibility. You ‘look after’ them more like a babysitter than a responsible parent.
In January I raised concerns with you about the fact that I am having use credit cards to live off as we have pet sold a house.
You said, ‘So am I!’
This was you contribution!
I have asked you repeatedly for financial support and you said you were starting a project management business in August. You now tell me that you can’t because your car is old. You won’t consider getting a lecturing Job for a while to earn enough to buy a car for example.
You are not supporting your children, You have one mouth to feed, I have FOUR.
You are one person to clothe….. I have FOUR. The mortgage on this house is THREE times yours and goes up in March. I have music fees, entry lees, coaching fees, I have paid for David Lloyd since you left.
I bought ALL the Christmas presents, food etc. I have asked you in writing for a plan to earn some money pay off credit cards. You have not come up with anything.
You told me to ‘get a job like other women.’