This letter describes what my life was like living with the narcissist. It was written in January 2007.
The letter describes events throughout my life with the abusive narcissist.
Reading the letter in the knowledge that I was living with a narcissist shows me that his need for control is immense. All the abuse makes sense in the light of that knowledge.
Some of the cruel things he was capable of are so lacking in empathy that I can’t get my head around them – even to this day.
The flip book below has all the pages of the original letter.
There are controls to expand the pages below the flip book.
There are some things I need to tell you if we are to have any hope of a relationship as co-parents of our children. At the moment I have no wish to have and contact with you, as it only leaves me frustrated and is a waste of my energy.
Every time we meet you do or say something abusive. I have pointed some out to you in letters recently so you know what I am talking about. But you carry on doing it. I would like an apology and some genuine empathy. Then perhaps we can re-build some sort of relationship for the children.
I have been unhappy in our relationship for many years, in fact I can’t really remember ever feeling truly happy living with you. I have always felt alone, confused, hated by you and as if there was something missing between us.
Even in the early days I knew deep down that thing’s weren’t right. Even in the beginning you would try to control me… by telling me I had to sip my wine like you and wait for you to finish before refilling my glass, telling me I was fat and manipulating me into going on a diet, calling me names like ‘fat belly’ which you thought was funny, never going out using money as an excuse.
You broke a vase I bought for a romantic dinner and said that it didn’t matter because you didn’t like it anyway. You told me in public that ‘you can’t possibly think THAT.’ I knew at the time I felt bad and now I know through reading that you have abused me for twenty-five years.
I want to tell you my story.
You have never listened in the past. I would like you to listen now.
I have always been afraid to express what I really wanted or thought for fear of your sarcasm and ridicule. Or the silent treatment. I want to tell you how I really felt in some situations but was afraid to say at the time.
For example, the time before we got married, when we would sit in my room as a student listening to the music coming from the Friday disco downstairs where my friends and work colleagues would be. Not allowed to go and afraid to say I wanted to as you thought the music ‘rubbish’. I now know you wanted to isolate me and I am telling you that I wanted to go to those parties.
Like the times we travelled and we couldn’t eat all day because you said we have breakfast and then had to wait for evening meal., never once asking me if I was hungry. You weren’t and that’s all that matters to you. I want to tell you that I was and you didn’t care as long as I did what you said. You are still like this and think that we all have to eat when YOU are hungry. You NEVER ask others when you should think I am not hungry but others might be!
All the dumps we stayed in I never wanted to but was too afraid to speak. The times on holiday when you ignored me all day, not speaking to me except to make comments on how good others girls looked. I might as well have been on my own most of the time. Sometimes we visited places I had dreamed of, romantic places, but how I imagined it to be never was.
Like when we went to Krakatoa and you left me to climb the volcano alone going off ahead of me because I couldn’t keep up with you.
My memory of that place is of me crying and feeling absolutely lost, alone and abandoned, which was how my life with you felt.