By August 2005 I knew things were over. I was sick of the verbal abuse, ridicules. sniggering, gaslighting and all round sarcasm and negativity from the narcissist.

The narcissism left twice and moved into rental property. Each time he moved back in because the property needed to be sold to release income. The narcissist failed to sort his life out and find somewhere else to live and moved back in.

He slept in the spare room from that point.

The narcissist drove me mad with all his gaslighting, lying, ‘forgetting’ and deflections.  The passive aggressive behaviour was worse than ever at this point.

I read a book about passive-aggressive personality disorder which suggested that everything be put in writing so that’s what I started to do.

Here is the letter I wrote to the narcissist to ask him to put things in writing from now on.

“August 21 2005

1 read a book recently which recommended that rather than fight it is better for divorcing parents to write down the things which they need to say. I have been up all night thinking about the past few days and this is how I feel in a nut shell.

The facts are I no longer love you and do not want to live with you. My future is not with you. Be assured, I know you feel the same about me so everything is okay. I feel that counselling will only dredge up the past, reopen old wounds and make us hate each other even more.

I fell out of love gradually over the past fifteen/twenty years and I don’t see what purpose it will serve to tell a stranger all the reasons why. The fact is that I did. I could write a map of our relationship, showing the things you said, did or didn’t do which made me love you less each time. I know you could do the same for me. All of these things which I perceive as negatives were never balanced by anything positive. How could they be as you did nothing wrong and my reactions to your behaviour were and are unjustified. I accept that you will never acknowledge my feelings as-valid. And I can’t live with someone like that.

You truly believe that you never meant any harm by your actions and lack of actions. The things you say are with all good intentions and always have been. You believe I have the problem in that I perceive your behaviour, actions/lack of actions in ‘the wrong way’.’

This is fine. I will take that responsibility. Anyway, as you always say, this is all in the past now I now agree that it is.

After tonight I have made a promise to myself to forget and forgive all the past hurts I have felt incorrectly as it turns out You meant no harm by them but unfortunately-the outcome is that I fell out of love because of them however wrong I was to feel hurt. ( I know it is alJ my doing because I have faulty perception or as you say mental problems·)

From now on I am only looking at the present and future. The best way to explain, why I don’t want to have a relationship with you is like this;-

Imagine we had just met. On the surface you seem like a nice person, considerate, kind and we had good sex. Fine. Then as time goes on you say things which begin to sound alarm bells. I interpret them as controlling devices. You see them only as positive interactions. I think you have a nerve in saying them and begin to feel angry. You believe it is irrational for someone to feel the way I do.

For example, (one of several in the past days when we have been nice to each other) did you notice how you admonished me only two days ago for eating a piece of Alyx’s chocolate? Do you think that was a harmless comment? You think you were doing me a favour by warning me not to eat a piece of chocolate. It is that simple to you.

I think do I need you to tell me off and very kindly, in you opinion, remind me not to eat it ; why can’t I eat it if I want to; am I not in control of my own behaviour; who are youto tell me what to eat.

I really feel furious and who the hell do you think you are to tell me off for eating chocolate? Are you my father you cheeky sod.! This was the way I felt and you will just have to accept that fact however wrong it is. If I met a person who made me feel like that now I would not continue the relationship as I know it has no future.

Thanks also for telling me I need a little bra and showing how to lift things up, after we made love last time. I’ll get it right now after your advice.

Is it ever possible for you to see the link between these behaviours, one at the very start of our relationship and one at the very end? It shows your attitude towards me has not changed. There is a difference now in that I do not want a relationship with your kind of person, kind and helpful as you are. {because of my faulty perception I know.) [could try to find time to go to counselling or get help for my mental problems in order to learn to accept helpful critical comments from you .

But I would rather just avoid people who make me feel bad. I know you feel the same as me so that should make things easier.

We would not choose to be together had we met now. But for the children I have to have contact with you. For the sake of the children I would like to ask you to do one thing. Please limit our interaction time to as little as possible. I feel frustration every time we talk. I know you feel the same. Please tell me what your plans are in relation to contact time well in advance so that I can plan ahead. I know you don’t need to do this but unfortunately I do.

One other thing, if you want to avoid conflict keep all your negative comments to yourself. I have had twenty five years too many. I know you still have them (everybody does) and you think honesty is a virtue. I see them as only your opinion and not at all helpful. Faulty perception I know but better for everyone for you to keep quite around us.

Keep your ‘honest’ opinions for others.

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