HG Tudor an expert on narcissism offers a service in which he diagnoses and identifies the type of narcissist you are dealing with. These are the questions he asked about Gordon before assessing him as the Middle Lesser Type.
The Middle Lesser is described here.
1. What is the nature of your relationship with the subject?
He is my ex husband. Met him when he was 18 and I was 16. Married at 21. Divorced in 2009. We have three children.
- How did you meet the subject?
At a nightclub by chance. He was a friend of a friend (Bad luck! Ha)
- How did the subject pursue you (if at all) provide details of all behaviour involved in this pursuit including time period?
He didn’t really. We sort of welded together. He was sarcastic, smug and mean just like my father so there you go! That’s what I grew up with so that’s all I knew. He was also timid and weak and I was a fixer and got my self esteem from sorting everyone out and being responsible which he allowed me to do. I am the oldest of six.
- How soon did you cohabit? Did you move into the subject’s property, did they move into yours or did you move into a new property?
I lived in student accommodation and he just sort of stayed there more and more often. Eventually we bought a house together.
- How soon did you become engaged or married?
5 years after
- How soon was a child born?
He didn’t want children. He told me this. He only had them because I did, 10 years later. He always had the attitude that he was a baby sitter and looked after the children for me. He told them and me that he did us favours when he did thing for them. He did very little for them or with them that was not instigated by or organised by me. He sort of joined in like the fourth child.
- Has the subject many friends? How does the subject interact with these friends and how do the friends regard the subject?
Not many friends. He is too sarcastic and smart for them. For example, he fell out with his oldest school friend over 50p when we shared a taxi home from a bar one night. His friend needed 50p to make up the fare and the ex refused as it was his friends turn to pay. They never saw each other after that. Weird!
One friend called him a ‘little shit’ a few times after they had been talking and at the time I wondered why.
He is quite antisocial and likes to sit in a corner in a doom loop at parties smugly judging and criticising everyone including me, for daring to have fun. I am just the opposite!
- Does the subject speak well of friends?
He speaks well of no one and no thing. He moaned and complained all the time about everything. He is imbued in negativity and hostility.
- Does the subject shift through friends easily or have long-standing friends?
He has acquaintances, workmates and moves on. He has had 2 five year relationships since the divorce. He met his first ‘friend’ as he called her three months after we split up because he said, he couldn’t be on his own.
- What does the subject do in terms of profession or occupation?
Builder/Garden landscaper. When we were together we, I mean I, ran a property company. He was clueless and acted like an employee. Hence he can’t run a business it by himself and so does hands on gardening now.
- Would you describe the subject as good-looking?
- Would you describe the subject as body-conscious?
- Would you describe the subject as clean and well-groomed?
Fairly at times
- Does the subject have a preoccupation with money?
Oh yes! A massive scarcity mindset. He is obsessed with NOT spending it, he said we can’t afford …..fill in the gaps, and moaned about lack constantly. We had plenty of money so he used it as a means of control and to monitor everything I spent whilst taking NO responsibility for our finances. That was up to me, his PA. and his job was to ‘authorise’ the spend
- Has the subject borrowed money from you? Has this happened more than once and roughly what are the amounts involved? Has this money ever been repaid and if not, why not?
No this is not really applicable as I budgeted and ran everything and my decisions were subject to his lordship’s approval or disapproval.
- Has the subject cheated on you – do you know for certain or is it just suspicion?
No. He knew that would be a deal breaker and he was too comfortable with me living his life for him and organising everything like his personal assistant. It would be too much effort for him while I was still being his ‘mother’. i.e taking the abuse and looking after him with nothing in return!
- Is the subject flirtatious?
- How does the subject interact with family members? Does the subject speak well of them and they of the subject? Does the subject see them often?
He is contemptuous of everyone. He laughed at and ridiculed his mother and supported his father when he did the same to her. This was just the way they spoke to her on default. He used to visit his parents with the children after the split to play the doting father and to smear me. He got them to write a letter disowning me after knowing them for 30 years since I was 16 years old.
- What type of property did/does the subject live in?
He attached himself to both new partners living in their properties. I don’t think he is capable of running his own life. Too much effort when he can get a slave to look after him.
We had a family house with a joint mortgage before he left.
- Does the subject lie? How often and what form do these lies take – are they lies about achievements, lies to avoid accountability?
Oh boy where do I start? Lied every day! He tells bare faced lies and then denies he did. He told lies about the abuse saying he hadn’t said or done that, lies to avoid accountability, to manipulate and gaslight me, lies to control, lies to thwart my plans, e.g. lying about returning divorce papers for six months, lying about giving me the children’s passports when he hadn’t, lying to smear me big style, lying when saying he couldn’t see the kids for two weeks because, he said, ‘as you know’ it takes every spare minute to move house when he was really going to the Dominican Republic with his secret girlfriend. Lying to the children saying ‘I’d like to do x y z with you but mum won’t let us’
Lying is his art form.
- To what level is the subject educated?
BA (Hons) but this is because he could draw. Took three attempts to pass maths O level which is his real level of intellect. He is quite low in intelligence and uncultured. He speaks in a Liverpool accent and has extremely limited vocabulary. I rarely if ever had a meaningful conversation with him about anything. He was too busy rolling his eyes at me, mimicking me and smirking at all I said, to even listen.
I had to sneak off with friends to the RCS or to see an opera, not saying where I was really going for fear of ridicule.
I was like his ‘sport’, Mock the wife! or ‘Fish Wife’ as he liked to call me. Ha Ha , that’s funny. You could make some video content about that HG!
- What hobbies does the subject have?
Gym and football when we lived together.
- Does the subject have any issues with drink, drugs or gambling? If so, please expand
- How does the subject manipulate? Explain in detail the forms of manipulation which take place (if you require assistance regarding the forms of manipulation please read Manipulated and Devil’s Toolkit ) Rather than use labels, it is preferred that you describe the behaviours, e.g. do not say he gave me Silent Treatments but write he would often vanish without explanation for days at a time or he would sit and not speak to me in the home for several hours.
There are so many examples of this that I find it hard to choose one. The worst was when he used my daughter to have a weekend with his ’friend’ in Amsterdam. I did not know he had a girlfriend at this point.
It was his weekend with the children. My oldest daughter was playing in an England Badminton Tournament in Amsterdam and had travelled with the club to the Netherlands. The ex said he wanted to surprise my daughter by just turning up at the tournament unannounced. Such a great father you think!
He therefore, couldn’t look after my other two children ‘for me’ so I had to cancel my plans to facilitate his ‘surprise.’ Turns out he showed up with his new ‘friend’. I found out then the England Coach stopped me at the next training session and asked who the woman was that Gordon had showed up with and that my daughter was really upset and didn’t play well. Then a parent who had travelled on the flight with the team asked who the woman was with Gordon? That’s how I found out about his friend and how he used my daughter.
- How does the subject behave with regard to colleagues?
When he was teaching he took his female boss to a tribunal accusing her of being confrontational and bullying him when it was the other way around! He said she affected his mental health and went to counselling for a while.
- How does the subject behave with regard to their children or your children?
He pretends he cares but he thinks he is a babysitter and he has written that it is my job to look after them, he looks after them FOR ME and that he does me and them favours.
He took no interest in them. I home educated them ( I am a teacher) for the first 11 years and made all the decisions. What sums him up is that he did not buy one book for them, ever. He did not care what I taught them or what subjects we followed. He was completely and utterly disinterested in them.
When we split I was expected to be at his beck and call. He would show up late, bring them back early so I had to change my plans, forget items and expect me to be at home so he could come and get them as needed, because he was not buying them ‘wellies’ for example as they had perfectly good ones at home I,e with me. He expected me to make packed lunches for the children if HE was taking them out for the day. He acted like a child care service rather than a father.
- What is the subject’s employment history like? Have they remained in employment throughout their adult life? Have they ever been sacked? Are they in and out of work?
When we first married he was an art teacher. He took his boss to court (as above.) Then we ran a property business where he would cause all manner of problems because he would not explain properly what was expected and then blame the builders. He liked to be a smart ARSE! And always be right. He had a serious problem with anyone criticising him or in other words disagreeing with him. Our property business folded and he is a self- employed gardener now.
- Have you been physically assaulted by the subject and if so, how?
Only once did he ever show overt anger and put his hands around my neck when I wouldn’t agree to changing an arrangement with the children. He had met his new supply and he wanted to do something with her, but I had already made plans. He was not overtly violent apart from this one time.
- How intelligent would you regard the subject?
He is quite unintelligent. Although he has a BA in Art he has no soul or introspection so he is not a true artist. He is good at drawing, that’s it. He couldn’t discuss a painting or an artwork of any kind (music, film, literature, a play) with any depth or understanding. We did not have one conversation in 27 years! He is quite vacuous when I think about it now!
- Have you ever witnessed the subject cry and if so, in what circumstances?
Once – when we split and I thought he had seen the light and was upset at losing his family. But no – he said he was sorry for himself and I had ruined his life.
- How charming and persuasive would you say the subject is?
Not at all!
- How helpful with chores, tasks and assisting others is the subject?
Not at all. Couldn’t even make a decent meal for us. (His most memorable offering was broccoli and baked beans – he was using up leftovers. ) I did everything, Not interested in helping anyone. I have never seen him help anyone in any way and I am not kidding!
He is scornful of the homeless, refugees, anyone less fortunate. He is bitter towards anyone who gets something ‘for free’ which he thinks he should have such as refugees who are given a green card when he couldn’t get one!
We went to Kenya one holiday and he refused to give the porters 20p as a tip! He said he would rather carry his own bags! I have never met a more mean spirited human than him.
- Is the subject often envious of you or others? If so, how does this manifest?
After we split if I had family or friends over and he dropped the kids off and saw me, the next day I would get’ text abuse’ all day accusing me of all sorts! Weird texts like I had to tell him and reassure him who the ‘people’ aka. my friend and family, were for the sake of the kids’ safety.’
On my birthday one year I had a garden party and was drinking champagne. He dropped the children off and saw me. I never heard the end of it! He text me that I wasn’t getting any money in the divorce settlement as I was’ loaded’ and bought champagne and food for ’everyone’.
When I met a man after a year of being separated, he actually knocked on the door to ‘tell us off.’ He sent texts accusing me of having a ‘desparate shag sesh’ and a’ succession of men’ in my bed and how disgusted he was at how I was teaching the kids about sexual relationships.
- Does the subject look up to anybody and if so, who?
No only himself as everyone else is an idiot according to him.
- Does the subject suffer from ill health or claim to suffer from ill health and if so, how does this manifest?
When he met his new ‘friend’ he would tell me that she was worried about him, and concerned about his health and his mental well being – because of me.
He would mope about looking all sad and rubbing his face. That’s how he snared her!
When he accused his boss of harassment he went to counselling to use in the court case against her and was very sorry for himself for months. I think he was acting though.
- Is the subject artistic and if so, how does this manifest?
No. He can draw well but copied his degree show from other artists. His art has no depth at all. Like him – it’s shallow and meaningless.
- Does the subject have any interest in politics, world events, charity?
- Detail the sexual behaviour of the subject? Include information about competence, impotence, frequency, any kink behaviour, withholding of sex, whether sexting is engaged in, use of pornography.
He was not really interested. We had functional sex, not very often. No intimacy or romance . He was like a soulless wax dummy really so it was no fun. He is almost asexual.
- Has the subject ever suggested you attend therapy?
Oh yes! I am crazy, mad woman, up the pole, deranged, mentally damaged and beyond hope, everyone knows what I am like, I must get help before it’s too late , he said and text this regularly.
- Has the subject ever agreed to attend therapy? Did the subject attend, how long for and what was the outcome?
We went to Relate before we split for three month, but he just used it to tell the counsellor what I was’ like’. For example I asked him in front of the counsellor if he could try not to laugh, smirk and snigger at me. He agreed but as soon as we reached the carpark he had already transgressed. He told her that he had to laugh at me because, ‘ honestly what ARE you like! ‘
We stopped going after he lied and told me that the counsellor had said to him that there was nothing wrong with HIM and that it was his wife who was ‘up the pole’. When I asked her, in front of him, if she had said this, she obviously hadn’t, he refused to go again because of what I ‘did’ to him!