I came across a website about Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder which fitted the behaviours of Gordon perfectly! It was the 16th July 2006

It was a eureka moment for me!

I felt validated and started to understand what PAPD was and that it is a well known type of behaviour.

I bought books on the subject and read about how to deal with a passive aggressive person such as asking them to put everything in writing.

This was a great piece of advice as it lead to this website and the primary source material on which it is based.

Today Passive Aggressive PD is not recognised in the latest DSM;  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.  It does not include the disorder as a diagnosis and instead classifies it as an example of behaviour found in other personality disorders.

Although the books on PAPD gave some good advice they were more harmful than good as they put forward the idea that the sufferer of PAPD could be reasoned with and helped to learn some insight if understood.

Narcissists cannot be fixed.

I tried for 30 years. A narcissist does not want to be fixed as they are perfect, superior beings in their eyes. Another problem is that Gordon is an unaware lesser narcissist who acts only through programming and on default settings with no insight or understanding of what he is doing.

Read about that here. 

When he needs fuel or feels like he needs control to make him feel adequate and powerful he HAS to seek it out an attack me. The video Fuel below explains why. 

By trying to fix the narcissist I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and misery when what I needed to do was to realise he is a narcissist and to have minimum contact.

The video below from HG Tudor explains why Gordon needed to use words to provoke me such as this one,

“You make everyone’s live a misery you do” 

You can read about that here. 

The examples given in the video below shows what Gordon was thinking when he laughed at me, sniggered, smirked, rolled his eyes, sniffed and walked away from me when I was in mid sentence. His most vicious provocations were non-verbal.

If he had actually said any of those provocations to me I would have immediately ‘seen’  that he was abusive and left sooner.

He was very clever in that he knew how far to push me.

Or was it a subconscious thing and I trained him how far he could go before I left the relationship?

Another possibility is that he learned his ‘craft’ from his father whose style was similar in that is is passive aggressive, although much more highly strung and volatile.

He would attack his wife verbally during family meals and events, ‘out of nowhere’ with little restraint like he couldn’t control himself.

“Stupid cow!” was John’s favourite attack on his wife Barbara.

You can see an example of what he thought of her in this video where he refers to her as a ‘that’.

Passive Aggression Is Used By The Narcissist As A Means Of Control

The flip book below is the information I read when I learned he has passive aggressive behaviour in his narcissistic repertoire. I though he had Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder but this is not a distinct personality disorder found in the DSM V.

The information was enlightening and validating.

What Is The Behaviour Of A Passive – Aggressive Person?

The section called, What Is The Behaviour Of A Passive – Aggressive Person? was really useful and perfectly explained the behaviours of Gordon. Lateness, forgetfulness, procrastination, sending mixed messages, pouting and sulking, lying, and feeling victimized.

All these behaviors are used by narcissists.

The section called, How Do You Deal With A Passive – Aggressive Partner?  gave stupid advice such as, try to understand how your partner grew up, and put the behaviour down to unresolved anger from childhood.

It suggests trying to help the narcissist to express anger in a healthier and more constructive way!

That just gave Gordon more need for control and a fuel fest!

The idea that these are the behaviours of a narcissist was never mentioned!

As a result of this information I thought that Gordon could be helped to see what he was doing.

Six years of trying, countless books, letters written to him  and counselling failed to make the slightest difference to him.

Why?

Because he is a Lesser Middle Narcissist – Victim Type.

He is unaware and can never change.

This video described how he ticks.

This flip book show the advice and information I was using as reference material when I though Gordon had passive aggressive personality disorder. Some of the information is harmful such as try talking to the PA person and try to help them to express anger in a more positive way.

Imagine trying to tell a narcissist that they are angry and asking why?

I can here Gordon saying, “It’s you, you stupid cow. You make everyones life a misery you do! You are mad, crazy, up the pole,  need help and beyond hope.”

One good thing though, was that the advice included the idea of getting the perpetrator to write things down and to use written communication to avoid ambuguity. 

That lead to me having the wealth of evidence I have amassed which proves his narcissim and serves as proof of his abuse. 

Read More About Narcissism