journal written by a narcissistic abuse survivor

This is from the journal I started in 2003. The text is on the left and my musings on what I wrote in on the right. In July 2021 I thought that Gordon has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have kept this journal together with his e-mails, letters, texts, letters to and from his solicitors. They are a wonderful resource to use to learn from.

A Narcissist Uses Words as Weapons

It is important to know that a narcissist uses words as weapons against you.  Words are the tools Gordon uses to keep control, smear me to the children, brainwashing them into thinking I am a bad mother, and to punish me for not being more like him.

One can see Gordon’s narcissism shining through in everything he wrote. He uses words as weapons and tools of control. This quote is from an article from which explains the different techiques a narcissist uses and Gordon used them all.

This ‘pseudo communication’ that issues forth from the narcissist is narc speak, a.k.a. word salad. to spar with you if you dare to raise anything that challenges their beliefs around being superior, omnipotent and in control.

Journal Entry

Viewed Through The Lens Of Narcissism

Julie’s Journal  July 2003 Cedardale Park

I am writing this for you my children so that you may understand the demise of your parents’ relationship.  My hope is that you will one day read this with understanding and learn from my mistakes. With hindsight all the signals were there from the beginning. Being young I chose to ignore them, yet even at the start I knew.

The recollections may not be in any particular order but as I remember them.

Thursday 1st July 2003

This evening Gordon said to me,

“You make everyone’s life a misery you do.”

This was because I said, while watching a TV program about disabled children that we should remember how lucky we are.

It would have been good if he had said,

“Yes, we are fortunate to have three beautiful healthy children.”

But no, he has to use it as an opportunity to get at me.

This is the way things are and have been since the beginning.

In our entire marriage there have been no words of appreciation, tenderness or any sharing of emotions or expressions of love from Gordon to me.

There is part of Gordons soul, spirituality or whatever you call it which is missing (for me anyway.)

Many years ago, when trying to talk to Gordon about this, asking why he never told me he loved me, he said that he didn’t know why he couldn’t, but that if I kept on telling him that I loved him, he might be able to say it

He was never able to and, eventually, I gave up telling him.

It was so important to me for him to say that he loved me but Gordon couldn’t or wouldn’t fulfil my need.

I have noticed that he says ‘I love you.’ To Alyx and I truly hope he says it to Dominic and Brittany.

It is so important for children to feel and to be told they are loved. Remember this if you have your own children.

I feel so sad that my life has turned out like this.

I have tried so hard to grin and bear it, to help Gordon express his emotions, to ignore him, but life is too short for that and I need some fun!

I am sick and tired of trying to de-code Gordons messages and to figure out what he means by what he says.

For example, last night Dominic asked if he could have a piece of cake. Gordon was standing beside him, eating a piece of cake. Gordon said,

“I’m only having some because I haven’t had any.”

What was he trying to tell us? What did he mean?  Yes or No?

This is the way he talks.

On Sunday we went to Weaver House which we are renovating, to measure windows. You children amused yourself well and when we got into the car.

Gordon said,

“You were very good so you deserve a treat.” (a very unusual thing for him.)

I said, “I think they’d like a KFC.”

Dominic said, “What did you say about KFC?”

Then he said to Gordon, “Can we get a KFC?”

Gordon says,

“Your mother obviously wants one.”

I say nothing thinking, what does he mean by that? Does he want one?

The atmosphere changed and Britt ended up in tears, Dominic was stressed and I was depressed.

The point is, Gordon could have chosen to say.

“I know you like KFC so yes we can.”

Over the years there are so many examples of where Gordons’s responses have made me and others uncomfortable and he affects the ‘atmosphere’ in any situation.

The funny thing is he recognises in his sister the qualities which are ‘passive aggressive’ and her quiet, unspoken hostility.

But he has the same characteristics!

He keeps them more under control than her, particularly in public.

I feel it comes from both their inability to interpret and articulate their feelings and lack of ability to communicate. But this is not so important. It is his effect on me which matters.

This is how I see my writings now through the lens of Gordon being a narcissist. 

I had a strong feeling at the time that I needed to write this journal. I wanted to record the events and my feelings so that I could explain to the children why I could no longer live with their father.  Writing this journal helped me to come to terms with what was happening and to help me understand why I felt the way I did.

The writing has proved invaluable to help me see the behaviours of Gordon in the light of what I have learned about narcissistic personality disorder.

Thursday 1st July 2003

You make everyone’s life a misery you do.”

This shows Gordons need for control and fuel and how he is able to any situation to get at me. In my moment of expressing love, gratitude and appreciation for my children he is compelled by his narcissism to attack.

He does it in front of the children which is an added bonus for him as he can smear me using them in his triangulation.

I can see now that he is preparing the ground for the brainwashing of the children which lead to the alienation which manifest in 2021.

The all to common incident reminded me that Gordon did not express love, appreciation or gratitude for anything or anyone in his entire life with me. He was devoid of love.

I have learned that this is a characteristic of narcissism. Narcissists do not have empathy and are incapable of love.

Narcissists need control and emotional fuel from their victims and Gordon was obviously low on fuel at the time of his comment,

“You make everyone’s life a misery you do!”

Therefore he had to ‘top up’ at that point and attack what I said gaining extra fuel by smearing me in front of the children who were three, ten and twelve at the time.

I have never heard him tell the children that he loves them and the reason is clear now.

I though that Gordon just needed to learn to express his emotions but eventually I learned he has none except anger and all it’s manifestations such as  hostility, contempt, passive aggression, verbal and emotional abuse. 


The Cake Incident

In the cake incident Gordon behaves like a child that has been caught eating cake by his mother. For some reason he feels he has to explain why he is eating cake.

I think he wanted to say no to Dom for some reason but could not say it and appear the ‘bad guy’.

As  I explain in my journal that was the way he spoke, in indirect word salads. (Word salad began as a term used in psychiatry to describe the nonsensical syntax of the mentally ill.)

The KFC Incident

The KFC incident also shows how he talked in code which hid anger when he felt a threat to control by him having to agree with me and treat the children to a take away. 

He has picked up on the fact that I would like one and he has to control me by not allowing that, not agreeing that the children should have one and, therefore punishing the children to attack me. 

Again he spoiled a happy and positive experience where the children had co-operated in helping us achieve our objectives and we could have had a happy evening together in the restaurant.

But no, he has to control and gain fuel once again by spitting out with venom and anger,

“Your mother obviously wants one!”

As I write this I am reminded that we lived with his nasty hostility every day.

His narcissism permeated our whole lives. 

The effect on the children has only just begun to manifest itself. July 2021. 

At this point in time I think he is passive aggressive like his sister although I had not yet learned about verbal abuse and passive aggressive personality disorder – which does not really exist. Passive aggressive behaviour is a behaviour carried out by narcissists.

I naively though that he just couldn’t express his feelings as I said when I wrote,

I feel it comes from both their inability to interpret and articulate their feelings and lack of ability to communicate. But this is not so important. It is his effect on me which matters.”

How wrong I was!

I was living with a narcissist and I was simply an appliance which he used for his narcissistic supply of fuel, control and all the ‘residual benefits’ in that I ran his life for him, took responsibility for our lives and did everything.





Journal – Introduction

Journal – Introduction

Introduction I began writing this journal in 2003. I wanted to record my feelings and also the events leading up to the inevitable breakdown of my 27-year marriage to Gordon. I wanted my children to understand how hard I tried to fix the relationship and why, in the...

Does He Deliberately Act To Hurt? #4 From My Journal

Does He Deliberately Act To Hurt? #4 From My Journal

When I wrote this journal I thought he deliberately said and did things to hurt me. What I have learned is that because of the type of narcissist he is, he has no awareness of how he behaves or the effect it has on others. The clusters of behaviours he uses are those...

Non Stop Criticism From The Narcissist #3 – From My Journal

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Criticism is all about control.  Looking at these stories through the lens of narcissism it is clear to me now that they are all about Gordon wanting to gain control, maintain control, and kill any threats to his control. Gordon's narcissistic thinking means that he...

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Here I write about how Gordon makes me feel bad and how he has destroyed my ability to have positive feelings towards him and any interactions we have. The text version is on the left and my commentary through the lens of his narcissism is on the right. Journal...

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