a journal by a narcissist survivor

Here I write about how Gordon makes me feel bad and how he has destroyed my ability to have positive feelings towards him and any interactions we have. The text version is on the left and my commentary through the lens of his narcissism is on the right. 

Journal Entry

Viewed Through The Lens Of Narcissism

He Makes Me Feel Bad.

He makes me feel so bad that, over the years, any good feelings have become a distant memory.

He makes me feel confused, uncomfortable, on edge, as if I am being judged the whole time, watched, and the overwhelming feeling that he is approving or disapproving of everything I do.

You my children only see things from late on in this relationship and can’t possibly know what happened in the twenty years before you were born which has shaped the way we interact.

The way I interact with him is a backlash to the way he has made me feel and the damage he did to my self-esteem over the years.

Gordon finds no pleasure in pleasing others or seeing others happy.

He is happiest when ‘denying’ and making things hard, tough and difficult.

He thinks there is virtue in not taking the smoothest route. He doesn’t know what to do to make people happy and comfortable and he doesn’t care to find out either.

I went along with this idea for many years denying my needs and opinions and not speaking out, often to suppress my own needs and desires.

Thinking about it now, most of the stress in our relationship has been caused by the ‘bad vibes’ given out by Gordon, the unspoken hostility if he doesn’t get his own way or approve of the situation.

Gordon methods of communication are basically to:

  1. Ask a question in response.
  2. Don’t respond at all. (Silent treatment.)
  3. Question your motives.
  4. And the dreaded sarcastic response!

All these of course, are in response to others.  He rarely talks or instigates a conversation!

Many years ago, I used to time how long the silence went on for if I didn’t speak. If I didn’t talk, we sometimes didn’t speak all evening.

His latest excuse for not talking is that everything he does ‘is wrong’ but this is how his parents made him feel and that they have paralysed him not me!

He Makes Me Feel Bad

What I have learned by studying narcissism is that any disagreement or difference of opinion is seen by Gordon as a critisism and therefore a threat to his control.  Since I wrote this in 2003 Gordon has written a letter to me where he says that he just wanted me to be more like him.

This letter is an attempt at facade building. It’s all lies and word salad. It does explain his grandiose mind-set whereby he is perfect and I must be like him to receive his approval.

The reason for his denying peoples wishes is simple – to maintain control and gain emotional fuel if they react.

His permanent state of hostility towards me and life in general is also his method of keeping me on egg-shells and a means of controlling me.

When I describe his method of communicating it is obvious to me now that this is what he has to do to avoid giving and opinion or speaking his mind as he opens himself for a disagreement or the others opinion which to him, is an attack or a ‘wound’ .

In order to protect himself from having to have an opinion, idea, a contribution, he would ask a question back, keep quiet, ask why you wanted to know or make a snide, sarcastic comment.

He rarely had a real conversation with anyone and certainly not me. We didn’t have conversations about anything.

I remember visiting Art galleries, the cinema, museums and all the places we visited when travelling. It was as if I was on my own as he didn’t speak about or discuss anything, I think this is partly because he has nothing to say though as he is not that bright.

I remember being so bored by him sometimes that I would talk to strangers to have a decent conversation and some human interaction.

The silent treatment when we were at home is also described and this too is used as a means of control by a narcissist.

When I asked him why he didn’t speak he said that he doesn’t speak because everything he says is wrong. This comes from his father – also a narcissist – who abused his mother constantly and was a negative, hostile man who you can see in action with Gordon in a double pronged attack here .

This from Psychology Today sums up the reason why.

Narcissists tend to communicate differently than other people. Their words are often used as tools or weapons. Their language often disguises their true intent. This can make listening to narcissists more difficult and less straightforward than communicating with most other people.

Journal – Introduction

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Introduction I began writing this journal in 2003. I wanted to record my feelings and also the events leading up to the inevitable breakdown of my 27-year marriage to Gordon. I wanted my children to understand how hard I tried to fix the relationship and why, in the...

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