In January 2007 Gordon and I were still going to counselling at Relate. It made no difference to him. He used the counsellor as someone to tell about how mad, crazy, deluded, metally ill and beyond hope I was.
He told me that Carol the Relate Counsellor told him that there was nothing wrong with him and that it was ‘his wife’ aka ME that was ‘up the pole’.
Had he been to counselling on his own I wondered?
When I asked her about it she quickly pointed out that a counsellor would never say such a thing.
What I wrote to him once again shows that I had no clue what I was dealing with – a covert lesser narcissist.
In these writings you can see the confusion I had and the utter disbelief that someone could behave in such a way towards a person he was supposed to care about.
What I know now – fourteen years later is that narcissists love no one.
They are not capable of love.
The most telling behaviour of a narcissist is that they have no empathy. And Gordon did not show any for me. EVER!
Here is what I wrote to the narcissist about his blame shifting.
“Relate…………………………………Jan 8th 2007
There is no point in me going to Relate with you anymore. I feel I am going round in circles. I am emotionally exhausted.
You don’t think there is anything to discuss as far as your behaviour is concerned.
I tell Carol how I feel about what you have done, said or not done and you tell me I am wrong and justify your behaviour.
This is the pattern.
It makes things worse to hear you say you have done nothing wrong when you have caused me so much pain.
We made no progress. I feel no better, no issues have been resolved as I discovered during Christmas I don’t feel you will ever understand.
And this is why it’s finally over. I no longer care that you don’t care.
I do feel afraid that your thinking is so distorted that you actually believe that your behaviour towards me is that of a caring person.
It does fill me with fear for mine and the children’s future.
It keeps me awake at night wondering how you could be so horrible to me over the years and now.
With never and apology no matter how bad I tell you I feel by what you do/don’t do.
You can SEE the effects your behaviour has on me and you still feel nothing for me.
It fills me with fear because you will carry on hurting us because you don’t know or care that what you say/do isn’t the way to treat people. How you can even think you care amazes me.
Your feeling self is locked away. And too painful it seems to be unlocked.
PROTECTING YOUR FEELINGS IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU.
It is a pity for me and especially the children that you couldn’t find even the tiniest amount of empathy for me, and any real care and concern for me or sensitivity to my feelings. It’s a pity for you too. Look what you have lost.
But perhaps I am wrong. We meant nothing to you because that is the way you act.”
Journal – Introduction
Introduction I began writing this journal in 2003. I wanted to record my feelings and also the events leading up to the inevitable breakdown of my 27-year marriage to Gordon. I wanted my children to understand how hard I tried to fix the relationship and why, in the...
Does He Deliberately Act To Hurt? #4 From My Journal
When I wrote this journal I thought he deliberately said and did things to hurt me. What I have learned is that because of the type of narcissist he is, he has no awareness of how he behaves or the effect it has on others. The clusters of behaviours he uses are those...
Narcissist Ridiculing His Mother
The narcissist caught on camera ridiculing his mother! This video shows Gordon in action laughing at and belittling his mother. His father, her husband joins it at the end and must have been very proud of his protégé. This is an example of the behaviour I was at the...
How He Alienated My Children
He gradually and systematically alienated my children against me over many years. In fact since the day they were born they unconsciously learned that I was a valueless nothing to their father. The irony of that is, that I did EVERYTHING, made all the decisions and...
Covert Malignant Narcissist – Human in Name Only
Gordon behaved exactly the way this video describes. The quote in the video which says that a covert malignant narcissist does not know love and is, " a human in name only" is completely accurate. In my journal I write about him being an empty shell and having no...
The Narcissist Was Only With Me For Residual Benefits
Gordon hated me with a deep contempt for everything about me. This video called 'You are a toaster' explains that to a narcissist I only realised the true extent of his hatred recently when he has stooped so low as to brainwash my daughters into hating me. That...
Read More About Narcissism
