covert malignant narcissist

Gordon behaved exactly the way this video describes. The quote in the video which says that a covert malignant narcissist does not know love and is, ” a human in name only” is completely accurate.

In my journal I write about him being an empty shell and having no connection to the children emotionally. This letter expresses my feelings about the way he interacted with the children which made me really sad. This was before I knew he was a narcissist. Not once did I see him express any warmth of affection towards the children and he hated me so that wasn’t happening between us. 

All the behaviours of this type of narcissist were shown by him.  

His mean spiritedness was shocking at times, like the time he refused to tip Kenyan hotel porters 50p saying he would rather carry his own bags. 

He showed every one of the ten behaviours described in this video. I have many examples in his letters, texts, emails and the letters he sent from his solicitor which evidence all of these behaviours.

Many people  thought he was ‘nice’ and quiet and timid. Little did they know he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A vile evil monster who would alienate my children from me. 

Jan 2000

What makes me so angry

I feel that you make no effort to understand the needs of your children, physical, emotional, educational, spiritual, psychological.

You don’t understand them at all or feel that it is in any way your responsibility to parent them.

You take no steps to discuss the topic or learn about it or improve your ability.

There is no closeness between you and them, no nurturing attitude or any actions to please them.

You operate on denial.

If you can you find a way to deny them, nag then, and you would rather be busy rather than organise your time to be with them.

You have excuses all the time, but the truth is they are not a priority or you would learn to organise your time to MAKE time for them.

You may watch them play football on Saturday, this is easy.

But being available to them emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically is not.

You repeat the way your father treated you, with coldness and denial and dish out approval or disapproval – not unconditional love.”



The covert malignant narcissist is a human in name only. They do not know love. They have lost any appreciation at all for true humanity. These people are troubled souls and tend not to change.

Narcissists show up in many different forms and behavioural patterns.

The covert narcissist does not appear to be strongly narcissistic up front. They can control it well at first but eventually the behaviours start to show up.

A malignant narcissist has that strong need for control in an extra measure and can be quite mean and callous.

They are a very difficult person to engage with because at first you don’t see the fulness of the malignancy and the meanness that’s there. And it time it begins to show up and it’s not good news.


Ten different indicators that identify the covert malignant narcissist are the following;

1. They don’t not want to be ‘known’. Other than data and basic facts they do not want you to know anything about them that could make them vulnerable. They will not talk about personal experiences beyond the superficial level. They simply do not want to reveal their humanity like other people do.

2. They are not just intolerant of others’ opinions and beliefs – they are profoundly in tolerant. In their mind if you differ from them you are not just wrong, you are despicable. They show contempt for anyone who would dare to think or believe in ways that is different from them. They think there are stupid people and them there’s YOU.

3. They have strong rigidity. There is zero give and take with them. It is beyond black and white thinking. There is no discussion or co-operation. They will have no tolerance for anything which does not fit with there agenda. It’s what I say that has to be.

4. Empathy is non-existent. They have no regards whatsoever for your needs and feelings. They have no curiosity about you. They are not interested in you beyond data collecting. They only want to know personal things about you to use against you.

5. Anger is managed with passivity. They use the silent treatment and mean glares. They will stonewall you. They have a lack of co-operation of a huge magnitude and harsh passive aggressive anger.

6. Open anger is expressed with an extra measure of cruelty. They spew insults, their words are laced with hate, they are very condescending and you can feel like you have been ripped to shreds.

7. They collect people who they deem to be weaker. They like having ‘yes’ people around them. They like people to nod their head and say yes. This proves to them just how powerful and mighty they are.

8.Truth is expedient. They lie easily. You never get the whole story and they change the narrative to suit themselves. They make things up to suit the narrative and their agenda.

9.They have no conception of love. If someone says I love you they think ‘whatever’. They may have sex but it is going to mean anything to them and it’s only to fulfil their needs not yours.

10. Give me what I want and I am done with you. Instead of love they require conformity submission and obedience. They want compliance at every level.

11. Their hardened feelings towards you deepen over time. Over time, instead of mellowing the more you get to know them show that they are committed to dominance over you.

12. They do not respond to reason to attempts to behave like a normal person. No standard rules of engagement apply to them. They are not interested in relationships, only connections and transactional relationships.

The covert malignant narcissist is a human in name only. They do not know love. They have lost any appreciation at all for true humanity. These people are troubled souls and tend not to change.




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