In 2006 the narcissist had finally left. I still had to have contact with him and, for the sake of the children I tried my best to make things easy and ‘normal’ but I was no longer willing to put up with abuse. Every time he collected or dropped the children back he would make a snide comment and find an opportunity to snigger, laugh or make a sarcastic remark.
I had no idea what I was dealing with and would rise to the bait, getting angry and reacting. This was exactly what he wanted me to do and I gave him fuel when I should have ignored him.
Gordon felt that he was entailed to see the on a whim and I had to ‘jump to it’ to provide him with everything he needed. He expected me to pack clothes, kit, make the children a packed lunch and even give them money if it was needed to pay for any lessons and coaching.
He acted like a baby sitter or a nanny to the children, not a responsible father!
Here is what I wrote to him in January 2007.
Arrangement For Children
- In November 2006 I asked you to tell us in advance, what clothes, equipment, kit. etc. the children needed so that we could prepare in advance and not waste your contact time finding needed items. You stated that you would not tell me in advance because you did not know what you would be doing and went on to say you could not see the problem in telling me’ five minutes before.’ You ask me if I could not just put up with you being disorganised.
I then called a meeting with the children to explain why I felt it a reasonable request and that I could not understand why you would not take my feelings into account.
You agreed to tell us in advance. We would be pleased if you could remember this in future.
I wish to drop the children off at your house for contact. Please text me with the times otherwise, I will assume that it is the usual times, which we will need to confirm when completing the court documents.
When you drop off the children please say your goodbyes in the car and don’t get out. I do not wish to discuss anything with you unless pre-arranged in writing. Please put all requests and anything else you need to communicate regarding the children in writing.
I wish to cut to a minimum the opportunity you have to verbally and emotionally abuse me.
2. Please do not make arrangements behind my back and at short notice and then say to the children. ‘Mum won’t let me see you.’ This is not accurate and intended by you to make me out to be unreasonable. I have explained to the children that they can see you outside contact time with notice and if nothing else has already been planned. Although you do not see the problem with this please respect my feelings on this.
- Please do not leave Alyx with your parents while you take Dom and Britt out. You can leave her with me if you do not want to spend time with her. Although you don’t see the problem with this please respect Alyxs feelings I.e. She might feel like she is being left out and respect my wishes.
- You are welcome to take the children out individually if you wish, outside contact time. (With notice and if nothing else is already planned.)
- I have an issue with you telling the children that you do them big favours. (said to them on 1st Jan 07) i.e. that which is beyond that expected or due. if you at anytime feel you are doing them or me a favour I.e. anything which you consider to be outside your duty as their father please do not do it! I believe this is an emotionally damaging attitude to experience from a father. I resent you saying it to us and you having such and attitude. If you can’t understand my feelings on this check it out with some other people including women.
- Please take the children’s wishes into account. Their needs are paramount. I do not think is right that you drop them off at classes and go shopping etc. or to the gym when you could be interacting with them. You have in the past planned to go something else during contact time (go shopping) and this meant you were not willing to take then for coaching at Trafford. I would like you to ask them what they want to do, and to take their feelings into account, not to manipulate them into doing what you want (because you have ulterior motives like shopping, ) by presenting them with a list of reasons NOT to do what they want.
- Contacting you by phone. On Tuesday 2nd January Dom tried to contact you to ask if you would take him to Trafford DL instead of Warrington so he could have coaching from Mark. He rang you at approx. 3.00 p.m in the afternoon and several times after. I attempted to ring you during the evening and at 6.00 a.m when I woke and at 8.45.a.m
When I asked you stated that you had switched off your mobile phone because of an abusive phone call you received from me 9 days earlier on Christmas Night (after you had verbally abused me by ignoring me for 25 minutes.) You also stated that you had the right to switch your phone off. I pointed out that this might causes safety issues should one of the children be taken ill etc. You said we could contact you on your home number which had been out of use for two weeks as you pulled the connection out of the wall. You said we could leave a message and I asked if you had an answering machine. You at first replied yes, but when questioned said er…no. I’ll have to get one. You had clearly not checked your mobile phone or you would have seen calls from our home number recorded from 3.00 in the afternoon onwards.
Also I have noted that several times during your non-contact time your phone is switched off for long periods. You have told me in the past that you were in the gym, or had left your phone in the locker etc. left you phone at home and were using Pauls etc. Please bear in mind that the children may need to contact you at any time.
I have stated in writing that I will not contact you by telephone or text again, so that you cannot use me as an excuse. (All communication/requests must be in writing or by pre-arranged meeting. Please respect my wishes regarding this.)
Finally, I will be including a copy of this letter with the court documents and Arrangements For Children Forms required when the Divorce Petition is made.
5th January 2007
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