In January 2007 Gordon and I were still going to counselling at Relate. It made no difference to him. He used the counsellor as someone to tell about how mad, crazy, deluded, metally ill and beyond hope I was.
He told me that Carol the Relate Counsellor told him that there was nothing wrong with him and that it was ‘his wife’ aka ME that was ‘up the pole’.
Had he been to counselling on his own I wondered?
When I asked her about it she quickly pointed out that a counsellor would never say such a thing.
What I wrote to him once again shows that I had no clue what I was dealing with – a covert lesser narcissist.
In these writings you can see the confusion I had and the utter disbelief that someone could behave in such a way towards a person he was supposed to care about.
What I know now – fourteen years later is that narcissists love no one.
They are not capable of love.
The most telling behaviour of a narcissist is that they have no empathy. And Gordon did not show any for me. EVER!
Here is what I wrote to the narcissist about his blame shifting.
“Relate…………………………………Jan 8th 2007
There is no point in me going to Relate with you anymore. I feel I am going round in circles. I am emotionally exhausted.
You don’t think there is anything to discuss as far as your behaviour is concerned.
I tell Carol how I feel about what you have done, said or not done and you tell me I am wrong and justify your behaviour.
This is the pattern.
It makes things worse to hear you say you have done nothing wrong when you have caused me so much pain.
We made no progress. I feel no better, no issues have been resolved as I discovered during Christmas I don’t feel you will ever understand.
And this is why it’s finally over. I no longer care that you don’t care.
I do feel afraid that your thinking is so distorted that you actually believe that your behaviour towards me is that of a caring person.
It does fill me with fear for mine and the children’s future.
It keeps me awake at night wondering how you could be so horrible to me over the years and now.
With never and apology no matter how bad I tell you I feel by what you do/don’t do.
You can SEE the effects your behaviour has on me and you still feel nothing for me.
It fills me with fear because you will carry on hurting us because you don’t know or care that what you say/do isn’t the way to treat people. How you can even think you care amazes me.
Your feeling self is locked away. And too painful it seems to be unlocked.
PROTECTING YOUR FEELINGS IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU.
It is a pity for me and especially the children that you couldn’t find even the tiniest amount of empathy for me, and any real care and concern for me or sensitivity to my feelings. It’s a pity for you too. Look what you have lost.
But perhaps I am wrong. We meant nothing to you because that is the way you act.”
Contradiction and Countering By The Narcissist
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My Story – The Early Years
I began writing a journal in 2003. I wanted to record my feelings and also the events leading up to the inevitable breakdown of my 27-year marriage to Gordon. I wanted my children to understand how hard I tried to fix the relationship and why, in the end, I could no...
Poor Me Face Rubbing
Gordon was a 'poor me' victim type of narcissist. He sighed, huffed and puffed and rubbed his face a lot. This gesture expressed his whole attitude to life! It's funny now but not at the time, it drove me mad and had such a detrimental effect on our family life and...
Living With The Negativity
One of the worst and damaging things about living with a narcissist was the cloud of negativity he lived under. He wanted to drive any enthusiasm and joie de vivre out of me. I was punished because, he told me, I had to be like HIM! Your content goes here. Edit or...
Devaluation By The Narcissist
The worst part of living with Gordon was his devaluation of me. He treated me with contempt. I did not exist to him as a person with feelings, emotions, and human needs. He did not actually 'see' me. The journal I wrote in 2003 describes what it felt like...
Why Narcissists Have No Empathy
Gordon has no empathy. Any demonstration of 'empathy' was false and used as facade management to fool people into thinking he is 'nice'. Sam Vakin calls this 'cold empathy' which means that the narcissist sees that you are reacting is a certain way and uses...
Read More About Narcissism
