On the 4th February 2008, eighteen months after Gordon left he was still playing games of control and manipulation using the money that we had in the solicitors account. He used the children as weapons in his strategy and tried to get me to agree to half custody and then when I would not agree, he applied for residency.
Things were serious now in that he had refused to agree to releasing money in time for a mortgage payment in late 2007 and the solicitor released it too late for me to make a payment on time.
That meant that our credit rating was affected and neither of us could get a mortgage, Therefore it was impossible for either of us to re-mortgage and buy each other out.
Every month was a battle with him whereby he would attempt to manipulate me into paying off what he called ‘joint’ credit cards before the mortgage was paid, saying he would agree to releasing money if I agreed to him having his credit cards paid off and either having custody of the children, ‘at lease half the time’ or full custody when I wouldn’t agree to that.
I was unable to pay the entire mortgage and was now in serious arrears and the bank was threatening repossession of mine and the children’s home.
Out of desperation I wrote to his parents, – the children’s grandparents whom I had know for 30 years to see if they would help.
As you can see Gordon the narcissist got them all to sign the letter. Sandra his sister-in-law, John his brother, Barbara his mother, John his father, June his sister and Paul his brother-in-law all ‘signed.
Gordon threatened me regularly with telling the police that I was harassing him and anyone else I spoke to about the way he behaved towards me and the children.
Gordon has obviously written the letter himself.
The Myth of Sharing
You can see that it suits his ‘sharing’ agenda when sharing the children was NOT what he wanted as having them stopped him having any time to himself as he tells me in this text. He wanted to share the money, not the children and used the sharing of the kids to further his agenda.
His text says that he is jealous that I am having what he calls a ‘child free’ weekend when he, poor thing has to look after his children! That’s how much he loves them.
He then tries to give the impression that he looks after them all the time which he resents as that means I have free time and have ‘nothing to do’ which is a lie as he sees them as and when it suits his agenda.
Gordon seems to think that I force him deliberately to spend time with the children to ‘foil’ his attempts at having days to himself!
It is obvious that he does not want to ‘share’ as he says in the letter and that he resented the children and he resented me having what he calls ‘child free’ weekends.
Interestingly he changes his tune when it suits him and tries to accuse me of preventing him from seeing the children in this e-mail
He accuses me in the email of doing everything that HE is doing which is a great example of narcissistic projection.
Projection is a defence mechanism – when there’s something inside of us or some behaviour that we don’t like or can’t cope with, one way to deal with it is to project it onto someone else. We externalize it to a place where it’s easier to deal with.
In the email he accuses me of using the children as weapons when HE is the one doing that.
He actual says that contact with kids is not going to be tied to money issues when HE is first applying to half custody and then residency of the children in order to have more money.
He goes on to say that I would have to here what they (the children) say about me when I am not around.
It helps to read his contradictory texts and e-mails first to undersand the lies and manipulation that took place and the hypocricy in the letter allegedly from his parents, sister and brother and their spouses.
He expected everyone to believe his facade of being the loving father!
This is a terryfying e-mail where Gordon reveals himself and projects his own feeling and actions onto me.
This is an analysis of the e-mail he wrote in the 8th of January 2008
The email is a great example of narcissistic ‘flip – the – script’ projection.
Projection is a defence mechanism that Gordon uses.
A definition of projection refers to unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits you don’t like about yourself and attributing them to someone else.
He starts by telling me that ‘everyone’ thinks I am despicable which is lies, exaggeration and triangulation using the children and others.
He accuses ME of using the children as weapons in my battle with him. This is narcissistic projection as it is he who was doing this with his ever changing demands for fifty fifty custody, at least fifty fifty custody and then full custody.
There are numerous e-mails from him using the children as bargaining tools to get as much money as he could in the settlement.
He lies when he states that the children are not used or ‘tied’ as he put, it in money issues when clearly he was doing this.
This e-mail from him proves it. He writes ‘ 50;50 or nothin I’m afraid.’
He states that, ‘ It is clearly wrong to use them in this way’. He is a complete hypocrite!
He exposed that he is using the children in a triangulation. He is manipulating them into saying things about me and proves that he has been brainwashing them against me for a long period of time.
He ironically accuses me of obstructing contact which I assume means stopping him seeing the children when in the text below he complains that he has no time to himself and accuses me of foiling any attempts he makes to have time to himself.
Which is it?
He finished with a commonly heard threat during the divorce and that is he will report me to social services.
This text is a ‘pity play’ because the poor thing has no days to himself on account of him having the children!
He resents me having what he calls ‘child free’ time and accuses me of deliberately foiling him having days to himself.
His persecution complex is clearly demonstrated in this text. There is a great article about the narcissists persecution complex here.
You can read here that Gordon understands exactly what he is doing.
He tells me that he knows that because I have residency of the children that I will be awarded the most money in any settlement.
‘Very convenient’ he says.
He thinks that if he has residency he will get the most money. That is the real reason he wants custody of the children.
Letter To Barbara and John
January 15 2008
Dear Barbara and John
Hope you are all well . The children and I are healthy but Gordon in putting us under a lot of pressure and stress needlessly. I am desperate for someone to help and try to talk to him.
We are in severe financial difficulties caused by Gordon not earning any money and him refusing to release any money from the existing money we have.
As you can se by the enclosed statement we have £97 000 held in a solicitors account. It was placed there after Gordon took the cheque from Forster Dean Solicitors who carried out conveyancing for us and paid it into his personal bank account. Because he did this, all future money from sale of property goes directly into this solicitors account. We have to agree to any being released and this is the problem.
Gordon flatly refuses to pay his half of the mortgage both on this house and on the rental property we own both of which are now in arrears as I cannot pay them anymore. He is on the deeds and legally obliged to.
I have taken out a bank loan to make ends meet and have huge credit card debt.
Gordon has not earned any money since he left in May 2006 and has given me a total of £430 towards the up keep of the children. In the end I had to contact the CSA and he now pays £180 per month in total for the children. Yet he leases a new Toyota vehicle which costs £400 a month and tells me he cannot afford his rent, let alone give me any money for the children. He tells me he needs this for his business. A business which earns no money. The logic of which I fail to understand.
I have been unable to work on any projects despite much work and money spent on two, because Gordon refused to sell Leigh Way, the last business property we renovated and rent somewhere to release the equity. I had no funds to either live off or invest in future business ideas. Now he won’t agree to release any money. I have been in effect stuck for over a year living off credit cards and loans.
The situation is now serious and I am afraid I will lose the house and the children and I will have nowhere to live and the rental property will be repossessed meaning neither of us will be able to get another mortgage or business loan.
I have asked him over and over again but he is awkward and difficult. Gordon cuts his nose off to spite his face all the time. I have no choice now but to go to court to have the money settled but this will take over a year to resolve and cost about £30 000 which Gordon will have to pay as he has procrastinated for so long over everything. We do not have the Decree Nisi yet as he took six months to send in the papers! After being threatened with the Bailiff. You would think he didn’t want a divorce!
Please could you help for the sake of the children and explain to him that we HAVE to pay the mortgages until the court now decides the settlement. And ask him to release the money. I have begged and begged to no avail. If he hadn’t procrastinated for so long and been so awkward and difficult we could be divorced by now and I could be earning a living for my children, sold this house and both moved on.
Thanks in hope!
4th February 2008
Dear Julie
Regarding your recent letters, it is so sad to hear all the present circumstances. The comments you make seriously concerned us, so we have taken the time and trouble to fully look into your allegations.
We have tried very hard not to take sides and recognize it is the children’s interests which must come first. What we have found almost without exception is:
It is “you” who has only given selected information, exaggerated the situation or worse not been fully truthful. Also by writing such letters to distant family and virtual strangers in essence no more than acquaintances what do you hope to achieve other than ridicule and embarrassment. Not only to Gordon and you but have you thought how the children may get “names called” in training or school. However I guess that does not matter as long as you again “get at” Gordon. Certainly they don’t believe you, anymore than we do. They see Gordon regularly and he certainly does not go complaining bitterly how bad you are.
We could go on and on and on, but we also know until such time as you can stop hating anyone who disagrees with you, then it is pointless. You both need to compromise.
There is no better way than to start by sharing everything from the financial situation to the children. Have you not noticed the longer it goes on the more Gordon realises he also has rights in this relationship.
We fully support Gordon so this is the first and last letter we are going to write until such time as we can genuinely see things between both of you are being resolved fairly and evenly.
We do not wish you to contact us by any means whatsoever. Please do not reply to this letter, do not send anymore, should you do so then we will take it as an act of harassment and take appropriate action.
Please talk sensible to Gordon and we all hope you reach an amicable understanding but until you are willing to “share” then we cannot communicate
Sandra, John, Barbara, John, June, Paul
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