The narcissist moaned and complained about money since the day we met.
This felt comfortable to me as I came from a poor background myself.
When we first lived together we could not go out at the weekends as he told me ‘we can’t afford it.’
I remember when the narcissists oldest friend from primary school, Steve, was round and I told him why the narcissist said we couldn’t go out.
Steve laughed and said, ‘Well that means it not a priority then’. He was right. Having a social life was not a priority to the narcissist.
Controlling me was!
I decided that I wanted money and would do whatever it took to get some. I had the idea to renovate and then build property. I had a plan, ambition, and set goals.
Not so the narcissist.
He took no responsibility for money. I made sure all the bills were paid and budgeted and planned the finances.
If it wasn’t for me we would have achieved nothing, gone nowhere and ended up where his family were. In a rough part of a city in social housing for all the narcissist cared.
You can see in this video where they lived and the toxic family dynamic.
In this video you can hear that lack of money and the cost of things was a regular topic of conversation in the family.
The narcissists contribution to our financial planning was to say ‘don’t spend any money’, ‘ we can’t afford that’, ‘how much did that cost’ and sarcastic comments such as ‘oh yeah were loaded aren’t we!’
I particularly remember his scrooge mentality Christmas time.
The narcissist showed no interest in the children’s Christmas experience.
I planned, shopped and did everything alone. The narcissist was not capable of co-operation and collaboration on anything.
I did it all and his job was to dole out approval or disapproval as he saw fit.
I would go shopping in the evenings for presents around Christmas time and leave the children with him. As he put it, he looked after them for me – like a baby sitter.
The narcissists only contribution was to admonish me as I walked out of the door – every year – and to say ‘don’t spend too much money will ya’. What a mean skinflint he is!
His attitude of lack and scarcity towards money and his need to instruct me not to spend or buy anything spoiled every experience.
Having my own income, having a master plan and being in control of the finances anyway – as he was not capable of doing that, meant I ignored him. I refused to allow him to control the money and therefore mine and the children’s quality of life.
Thank goodness I did. I lived my life IN SPITE of him being a tightwad, narcissistic monster.
What motivated me in my attitude to money was the way my mother was controlled by my narcissistic father using money.
Burned in my memory is the day she bought some cushions for the living room. As she was arranging them on the sofa my narcissistic and violent father told her to take them back to the shop as we ‘couldn’t afford’ them.
The poor woman returned them as ordered.
On that day I vowed never to be controlled by someone who used money as a weapon to control and to always be self reliant.
Here is a letter I wrote to the narcissist about his paucity mentality and the destructive effect this had on our lives.
“Paucity Mentality
I have been told by you constantly for our entire married life,
‘We’ve got no money’ and ‘where are we getting the money for that? And sarcastically ‘oh yeah we’re loaded aren’t we.
Every thing I buy from groceries to holidays is met with approval or disapproval. We were told to ‘go easy with that.’ at mealtimes and tiny portions of food are saved in the fridge.
I am told not to buy ‘too many ‘Christmas presents for the children each year when I go to Toys are Us. You do not have the ability to buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate an occasion if a cheaper wine is available because its just as good anyway. (Metaphor for your life really.)
I am met with sarcasm and told all I do is buy frocks, get my hair and nails done, The latest is all I do is buy plants. You have the desire to sabotage the plans and pleasure anyone might have in life through your excuse, lack of money. I have put up with this for twenty five years. We couldn’t afford to go out when we were teenagers and now we can’t afford badminton training for the children.
How would you know?
Have you ever planned or budgeted? Have I squandered away money, been irresponsible with money, not paid the mortgage, neglected the children’s needs? NO. You are the one who gets phoned up (CEF May 10″ 2006) by the businesses you trade with and has accounts stopped (B&Q jan 2006 at the check out) because you haven’t paid the bills!
You have never had the chance to think about where you got your perceptions from nor the impact that it had on me and the children. In my opinion (but remembering that I am mad and our counsellor said I am up the pole, ) your attitude comes from the way you were taught to perceive money by your parents.
But the attitudes they taught you serve you well! You do not have to take responsibility nor control of your finances as you simple hide behind the can’t afford it excuse anyway. You are so mentally lazy and intellectually dull that it saves you having to think.
So, you have left the financial responsibility and organizations for our life up to me. But then you complain when I buy anything and want to control me and for me to have the same paucity mentality as you! The latest is for you to say like a child that I won’t GIVE you any money! We haven’t got any remember!
Your attitude to money has had a destructive effect on me and our relationship.
I am the one who has had to juggle credit card payments and take out loans and mortgages for the past 13 years. I am the one who balances accounts and sets up direct debits and makes sure all the bills are paid. You haven’t got a clue how much the gas or electricity dd is. You think nothing of waiting until you get a phone call before you pay a business bill.
I am the one who felt I had to hide an eye shadow from you aged 19 for fear of disapproval. And I was the one berated for buying the ‘wrong’ things in an internet grocery shop whilst looking after a week old baby and two young children having moved into the house a week earlier.
This is not right nor normal. But, as you believe, it is history so has no relevance here. Except that the belief system you hold towards money and your lack of responsibility towards it, which led to this behavior by you has not changed nor has the fact that the way you make me feel when you moan and complain and try to control me causes me to hate you. So,
From now on …………………………
I will make sure as I have always done in the past, that the children are provided for. You have no reason to try to control what I buy. I will not squander all the money away it on plants, frocks, nails and hair dressing as you believe!
YOU are responsible for your own money. You are an autonomous individual as I am, and YOU can make your own choices about your finances. Please get this message loud and clear ……
YOU ARE NOT A CHILD AND I AM NOT YOUR PARENT AND FROM NOW ON IT IS UP TO YOU TO ORGANISE YOUR OWN MONEY AND FINANCES “
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