Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare. Divorcing a narcissist when you don’t know they’re a narcissist is even worse!
The narcissist left in May 2006. An account of that incident is described in my journal here.
I had no idea what I would be up against. I had no idea until July 2021 that he is a fragile, covert, victim, vulnerable type of narcissist.
It became obvious that things were not going to improve despite all my efforts to ‘fix’ him.
Not knowing that I was dealing with a narcissist and exactly what that meant I was foolish enough to think that if we went to Relate for counselling and I gave him enough books to read that he might have some introspection.
I really did find it hard to believe that a person could be so mean and horrible to another.
Sometimes it was as though he was possessed – like Regan, the child character in the Exorcist!
I started divorce proceedings in January 2007.
If you think things are bad living with the narcissist, that is nothing compared to what you will face when you divorce them.
Divorcing the narcissist is the greatest wound you can inflict on them and you will pay for it.
The narcissists self-defence mechanisms will be ramped up and you will be abused, smeared and slandered like never before.
You are the one to blame remember for the narcissist thinks they are blameless and perfect superior beings.
As the narcissist said to me,
‘You ruined my life.’
The process of divorce gave him such a massive amount of fuel that he kept it going for as long as possible, agreeing to nothing, obstructing, procrastinating, lying, manipulating, adding his own ridiculous demands and generally not co-operating is any way whatsoever.
The aim for the narcissist is to keep control.
They will use their children as weapons against you.
This is the saddest part.
They don’t know love and their children are nothing more than ammunition to be thrown at the target, ME!
Why would a loving father keep a divorce going for two years and spend all their money, literally, on lawyers and Barristers?
Why would a loving father want to have custody of his children when he is living in a house owned by his girlfriend whom he met whilst we were still having couple therapy at RELATE Counselling? He called her his ‘friend’ for some time which made me laugh!
Why would a loving father one minute say he wanted to see his children even at short notice and outside official contact time, while the next minute say that because I wasn’t doing what he said that he didn’t want to see them.
This is the way his sick mind works.
Divorce Proceedings Started in January 2007
I filed for divorce in January 2007. The first solicitor I used was fired by the firm so I had to find another one. The narcissist did manage to return the first Petition sent to him and added the following hilarious ‘rider’.
‘I am prepared to pay 50% of our joint legal fees.’
He actually thinks that when people divorce that solicitors fees are ‘joint’!
He thinks that he can rack up as large a bill as he likes and I will pay 50%.
He subsequently employed a firm of high flying solicitors Pannone who worked for celebrities and wealthy people which indicated his sense of entitlement and grandiosity.
He went so far as to employ a Barrister to represent him when fighting over the small amount of money we had to share out which cost him £500 plus vat and hour
I also think he thought he was being generous and magnanimous in his offer to pay 50% of the joint legal fees.
In the end, after two years of him fighting, he ended up with nothing and paid huge solicitors fees which could have been spent on his children.
He had to declare bankruptcy.
I assume he thinks that that is all my fault . I hope he thinks the price he paid was worth the fuel he needed.
Lie Number One
When The Narcissist Takes Three Months to Return the Divorce Papers.
I had to reissue the Divorce Petition as the original solicitor I used was sacked and I changed firms.
The narcissist was sent the papers by the court on 18th June 2007.
This is confirmed in the letter from my solicitor.
He had 7 days to return the documents.
But as we are dealing with a narcissist that was never going to happen.
On the 15th of August 2007 my solicitor wrote to me to tell me that G had told him on 23rd July 2007 that he had passed the documents to his lawyers.
My solicitor was clearly of the opinion that the narcissist was lying. No surprize there.
My solicitor stated that if the narcissist did not return the documents a bailiff would serve them on him at a cost to me of £100.00.
Lie Number Two
When The Narcissist Lies About Appointing a Solicitor
My solicitor also stated that he did not believe that the narcissist had instructed a lawyer at all and because he had not tried to engage in any negotiations that I should apply for an Ancillary Relief Order for money for the children.
This and the bailiffs costs to deliver the Divorce Petition would cost me £310.00 and all because the narcissist refused to co-operate.
This is important because as the divorce proceeds the narcissist cries poverty several times whilst spending money on Barristers and expensive solicitors fees, depriving the children of money by forcing me to spend money of solicitors fees unnecessarily which could have been spent on the children.
When The Narcissist Refuses To Negotiate About Financial Matters
On October 2th 2007 my solicitor wrote to say that the Divorce Petition had finally been acknowledged by the narcissist.
Since he was sent the papers on 18th June 2007 it had taken him over three months to respond.
I was still attempting to negotiate with the narcissist over the remaining money we had in the solicitors account but the experience of negotiating with a narcissist was frustrating at best and crazy making at worst.
At this point I made matters worse as I tried to appeal to the narcissists ‘better nature’ and was totally confused about why he was behaving like he was and why he couldn’t see what he was doing to me and the children by being hostile, obstructive and lying so much.
Had I know what I was dealing with I would have behaved much differently.
The ‘silver lining’ in this is that I have the documentary evidence of how he and his fellow narcissists behave and insights into how they think.
Lie Number Three
When The Narcissist Lies About Not Having Notification of Court Hearing
January 2008 over a year since I issued the Divorce Petition the narcissist still refused to enter into any meaningful negotiations with my solicitor regarding the financial arrangements for the children.
My solicitor advised me to issue an application for Maintenance Pending Suit.
The date set for the hearing was 28th January 2008.
However as you will see in the document the narcissist once again lied and said he had ‘ no notice’ of the hearing.
The hearing was eventually re-scheduled for 27th February 2008 at 11.40 a.m.
When The Narcissist Employs a Barrister to Argue About Money For Him
A year has now passed since I started the divorce. The narcissist is still lying, obstructing and manipulating.
The narcissist refused to agree to release mortgage payments for the house and our home was now under threat of repossession.
The narcissist being the entitled, superior and grandiose narcissist that he is intended to turn up with a legal representative and a Barrister which, according to my solicitor cost £500 plus VAT.
There was very little money to argue over so what the narcissist was thinking I do not know.
The letter also states that he is now applying for residence for the children although in the 13.10.2007 a few months earlier he wrote this.
“Hope ur havin a great and free childless w.e.. Nice havin all that time to yourself to do exactly wat u like. Oh and it must be great doing exactly wat you like in the week too with kids at school and nothing to do. Pity you try to foil every attempts I have at havin days to myself”
Bear in mind all this is costing him money which was is an ever dwindling resource at this point and he constantly claims to have none.
Meanwhile I can’t pay the mortgage while he pays for a Barrister and lawyer to fight over next to nothing!
The matter of him applying for Residency was dealt with beautifully by my solicitor when he stated , ‘don’t you think every irate father when arguing over money wants custody of the kids?’
But I was so traumatised by 25 years of living with the narcissist and the stress of the divorce that I wasn’t hearing him.
The very idea of the narcissist wanting Residency sent me into a panic.
This article and video explains why.
Lie Number Four
When the narcissist accuses me of physical assault.
‘throughout the marriage he has been physically assaulted by your client. He has kept a careful diary record of your clients behaviour over the years and he is concerned that there was an assault as recently as 3rd June 2007. ‘
This lie is a smear.
The solicitor goes on to say that the reason he left was not because of the physical assaults but because I ‘demanded’ that he leave.
One would think that a poor victim of physical assaults throughout a marriage would have left long ago and not need to be ‘demanded’ to leave.
The most astounding thing about this letter is that the solicitor actually engages with the narcissist and writes whatever they are told to write.
They must be laughing all the way to the bank!
Lie Number Five
6 Eastern European Men – Racist Comments
The narcissist and I ran a rental property business which quickly ‘went down the pan’ as they say, before and during the divorce. The narcissist had the bank statements sent to him and I had no idea what was happening with the properties.
The actual document is here.
I took the bulk of the responsibility for the properties during the marriage. The narcissist basically used me like his Personal Assistant. It was my role to keep him informed about what was happening.
If I didn’t it was my fault when anything went wrong because I had not ‘told him’ what to do.
The narcissist was under the illusion that we could ‘transfer’ the properties over to either one of us which could not possibly happen as the property portfolio mortgage was in joint names.
In order for either one of us to take over sole ownership, we would need to buy each other out or re-mortgage.
How G -the narcissist thought this was going to happen when neither of us had any money was beyond me.
Since G refused to release the mortgage without a fight our credit rating was ruined in any event. Therefore we couldn’t re-mortgage.
I received this letter from G’s solicitor which is quite hilarious and shows just how racists and stupid the narcissist is.
Apparently I had ‘taken it upon’ myself to let out one of the properties which I had apparently ‘agreed ‘ to transfer to G to 6 Eastern European men and he had ‘real fears that the tenants will cause damage to it.’
It is a lie of course. I can’t even see where the kernal of truth would be except to say that it was HE who had done this.