The narcissist cannot love anyone and that included their children. It is all facade management by the narcissist to make everyone think he loves his children. Narcissists are not capable of empathy.
The narcissist claims in writing on a couple of occasions to care about the children and to want what’s best for them.
In this letter, written in 2006 he paints a picture of himself as the father who cares which I found ironic as he showed no interest in them while he lived with us. He acted like a baby sitter. His role was to look after them FOR me.
The letter here is a lie!
This is clearly demonstrated by the abusive, threatening and inconsistent texts, emails and letters he sent throughout the divorce proceeding.
It is also shown by the fact that the children have suffered psychological abuse and parental alienation with me being the target parent. My daughters think I am a bad mother and have cut contact. (July 2021)
The video below explains exactly how the narcissist saw my children. There is a transcript so you can read along with it and learn about the narcissistic parents’s modus operandi.
Do Narcissists Love Their Children?
In some instances, this is a very easy question to answer because the behavior of the narcissist shows inhuman behavior towards said children. So for instance, the children are beaten. They’re sexually abused and neglected.
And in those instances, the intimate partner, primary source victim, invariably, the other parent, or step-parent realizes that the narcissist clearly does not love those children.
However many instances are not as clear cut as that.
The narcissist looks to be particularly involved with the children, playing with them and encouraging them with their schoolwork, attending school events, coaching them with regard to music or other extracurricular activities.
Apparently giving them career advice, providing them with financial support, even where the relationship between the narcissist and the intimate partner, primary sources ended. And there is a divorce situation or separation and an ongoing co-parenting scenario.
The narcissist parent may still behave in a way which appears to be one of ostensibly supporting those children financially, morally pastorally, taking an interest in their sporting achievements and education.
And therefore it becomes more difficult. The victim asks, he evidently has it in for me, but he seems so supportive and so loving of his children and that causes confusion that causes often the victim to think that it’s their fault, that they are the one that has brought this behavior out and the narcissist, they are the one that has caused and also us behave like that towards them because they’re not exhibiting any similar behaviors towards anybody else, least of all the children. And therefore it can be very disorientating for the victim to see this behavior whilst they experienced something else towards them.
Of course, another aspect of this is to doubt that the individual can be analysis is because they seem so into their children. So supportive, so loving and seem to genuinely derive joy from their interactions with the children. Such behavior of course, is invariably exhibited by mid-range analysis and greater narcissists. And of course, this is all part of the facade. All of those nozzles is opposite operate facades, although of different types. Some are the facade of being a really decent some of the facade of being helpful. Some are facade of superiority, but it all links into essentially treating the children well.
However, the creation of that facade is a means by which it can be utilized to triangulate, with the main victim being the intimate partner, primary source or former intimate partner, primary source.
Remember children are also appliances to the narcissist and for the most part are non intimate secondary sources.
There can be instances where one of the children becomes a non intimate partner, primary source, and indeed in some instances of where sexual abuse occurs, they might be an intimate partner, secondary source, or even an intimate partner, primary source. But in most instances where there is no sexual abuse taking place, then what a cords is that the child is a non intimate secondary source. This means of course, that they must be controlled like any other appliance in the fuel matrix of the narcissist. This also means that they provide fuel character traits and residual benefits.
Children are very useful to a narcissist parent when the narcissist can benefit from the child’s achievements. Oh, is his talent for football is the consequence of my coaching golf him, or she gets her brains from me. Thus, the child serves a purpose and invariably, the child is relatively easy to control, particularly when they’re very young. Remember most non-intimate secondary sources are treated well by narcissists because they form part of the facade that the narcissist doesn’t deal with them. So often as the fuel provision to become stale and they are less likely to cause problems to the narcissist control, meaning devaluation doesn’t is not necessary. Of course the narcissist may issue de-valuing behavior towards the children, but it will be done under the auspices of discipline, correcting them, guiding them and teaching them and therefore such de-valuing behavior may pass on the radar on a number of occasions or over the narcissist benefits in sometimes a lighter approach to those children in order to cause the non narcissist parent to have to be the disciplinarian.
And that can invariably result in resentment from the children towards that non narcissist parent with a narcissist parent can then exploit all of these are factors which are beneficial to the narcissist control can be asserted by being to seen to, by being seen to be the playful parent or the kind of parent or the less strict parent fuel is of course obtained from the children’s emotional reactions. Character traits can be obtained. As I explained. And the residual benefit is of course, the facade of being the caring parent understand however that, because this individual is a narcissist, they have no emotional empathy and that means no empathic traits. And that means they are incapable of love. What is being demonstrated towards the children is merely a benign form of manipulation, exhibiting a parent patience, guidance, spending money on them, helping them with their homework, coaching them in their sporting achievements. But it is all too easy for a victim and snared by a narcissist to think this is genuine. This is love that’s being demonstrated. And of course your emotional thinking doesn’t help the position it wants. You worrying about whether you’re right about the individual being a narcissist. So you keep thinking about the narcissist and this feeding your addiction. It causes you to doubt yourself so that perhaps you’ll talk about it with friends. And those of you’re talking about the narcissist with other people, and again, feeding the addiction.
The narcissist cannot and does not love his or her children despite any appearance to the contrary. That is just a veneer when dealing with the primary source or more usually part of the facade and it is done to gain those prime aims as it is always done by any narcissist. The fact is that even if there is no apparent downside with regard to the treatment of the narcissist with their children, that still does not mean that they love them. For instance, think about the narcissist and friends, many narcissists have friends and keep them, and there is never any falling out that occurs. That doesn’t mean that the narcissist genuinely likes them. They can’t, it’s a transaction. I will be friends with you because that way I can control you. You give me fuel and you provide me with character traits and residual benefits. Therefore my narcissism selects the time better off treating you in a benign fashion.
Therefore, I’m fun. Interesting to be with I’ll do favors for you in the similar way that the narcissist does, but that other secondary source the child, of course, there may be other factors where over time you start to realize the absence of emotional empathy, even with a mid range or greater narcissist, it might be the failure to turn up for scheduled appointments for visitation, with the children, for contact. It might be harsh discipline, harsh discipline towards the child. The removal of privileges being overly harsh with them verbally or physically by way of punishment. Often indicator is as the child gets older interference in [the child’s relationships with their own friends. And especially when it comes to a romantic involvement because this adversity threatens the narcissist control over that child and the narcissist being a narcissist has to assert control and come up, help him or herself by interfering.
There are other ways in terms of the narcissist being get overly pushy, parent interfering, always telling the child what to do, not letting them do things, not letting them exercise their own independence. And so whilst there are many obvious unpleasant behaviors that can be meted out towards the child, physical violence, sexual molestation, neglect, phage, vitamins, emotional support, being dismissive, not paying for their upkeep, not spending time with them. There are also more subtle behaviors that can over time be evidenced by what is apparently on the face of it, a kind and consider it parent. Even when those things are not present, you must understand that where the individual has been ascertained as a narcissist, even though they may be pleasant towards the children and holy and pleasant to you, that doesn’t mean that they live their children. The children are just being treated as the objects that they are and are as part of another transaction like any other secondary sources.
If you are experiencing difficulties with regards to the narcissist on the issue of children, you can do no better than accessing the following assistance packages, divorcing the narcissist, how to co-parent with a narcissist and child defender. You will find details of those in the knowledge vault. And many, many people have used them and access them and have found them to be extremely helpful and unrivaled with regard to the assistance provided in giving you solutions in a cost effective and timely manner. And if you need any further bespoke assistance, arrange an audio consultation with me, it is a regular theme that I advise on with regards to the resolution, to your satisfaction of ongoing disputes and difficulties when dealing with a narcissist and children, whether it pertains to court proceedings, or just protecting the children per se, I’ve advised many, many people.
And I look forward to helping you also, I am HG Tudor. Thank you for listening.