manipulation by a narcissist

At the start of the divorce it was suggested by my solicitor that I try mediation with Gordon to save us both large solicitors fees and reduce conflict. Not knowing that he was a narcissist I thought it might work although by now I had experienced first hand his methodologies of control, his coded language used to control and manipulate when we tried to carry on with the property business.

Needless to say Gordon did not supply any response and nor did we go to mediation.

As I say in the letter I was not prepared to do all the work this time and had given up my role as his personal assistant, just so he could agree or disagree whist offering nothing from himself in return.

Knowing the narcissist now, mediation is not possible. Gordon is incapable of cooperation because that means giving up control which is something a narcissist will never do.

He would have lied and used equivocation – his favourite tool of control and manipulation. So we would have wasted our time and money. He would have expected me to pay for mediation no doubt as it is was my idea. 

It’s my way or the highway with a narcissist.

The letter speaks for itself.

page I of I

Subj: Mediation

Date 16/02/2007

To: gordonaugust25@

Hi Gordon

Have you got the mediation letter yet? 20th march? I have a number of concerns and as we never seem to be able to find time to talk about anything I thought it best toe- mail.

We have so much to discuss with the complex and diverse lifestyle we have. the property. business etc. that we are not a normal divorcing couple Mediation will be very difficult.

mediation with a narcissist

a… Financial concerns are a big issue. I can’t afford £105 pounds per session and feel we will need many sessions due to the complexity of our lifestyle and as our experience of relate showed we can’t get on at all!

b ….. Avoidance issues are a big concern. I don’t think mediation will work because our communication consists of door step exchanges, I feel you actively avoid any other discussion with, what I consider excuses and games of the “I’m not giving up my free time to talk to you. ” kind. You don’t do anything unless pushed. You think mediation Is some authority figure telling you what to do so you do it. In order for mediation to work WE have to agree. It is not arbitration where someone tells us what to

Mediation is an entirely different process You said to me that THEY talk about contact first and as I said THEY can’t make us do anything. WE TELL THEM WHAT WE WANT.

The experiences of others I have talked to are a big concern in my belief that I don’t think mediation will work Many people who have similar relationships and ‘issues’ in their marriages have described the experience. All say it takes forever cc ng lots of money, is a bad if not impossible experience, and most often ends up with litigation in the end anyway a agreement can’t be reached when unresolved issues get in the way (I have sent you a copy of Hostility, sarcasm and cynicism)

Case in point. I have already asked you to present your case for division of assets and you have not I have expressed my concern and already said that I am not willing to pay to sit in an office and pay £105 when we could have done this work before and I have a million things to do at home.

Basically, I am saying that unless we do the groundwork before and communicate productively before —-mediation is pointless. I would rather jump straight to litigation. i.e., You tell your solicitor what you want and your justification for it and I will do the same. I am not prepared to do all the work for you to agree/disagree with. If we can’t find the time and/or the willingness to communicate and come up with some sort of proposal, litigation I feel, will save a lot of time, energy and be emotionally easier on us. I know it will cost more but I would rather pay the money cost than have a horrible traumatic experience.

I really need some straight opinions and action from you as to what you think.

Julie x

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